Day 1

Uncle Henhuh told me the most outrageous fib. Does he think I was born yesterday? D'oh... I was! Talk about an ambush. Massi Santosh also came to visit, with presents! Dad got a soft, jingly cube, while Mom and I got shiny rocks.

Despite spending nearly three hours gnawing on Mom's boobs, over the course of day 1 I slenderized to about 4 lbs 8 oz. This was simply intolerable. You spend your entire life fitting out your wardrobe for size -16, and then you discover you've gone to -20!

Well, I knew what to do. I yelled and screamed. I shook my fists. I held my breath 'til I was blue in the face.

The lactation nurse was unmoved. Mom and Dad took a less sanguine view and called in a pediatrician. We agreed that the all-boob diet was not the ticket for this fashion season. New plan: taunt the baby with the boob, then cram her with formula every time she opens her mouth, until she's a bit stronger.

I spent the rest of night 1 sitting in a car seat, studying up for my driver's permit.